Confession for the void

...and whoever happens to be floating around in it.

I think if I went on facebook or whatever and wrote something scarily honest in the "about me" section it would be something like: "Melodramatic, self-loathing, failed romantic, escapist." I wonder if I am highly egotistical. I worry too much what people think of me. Surely someone who isn't focused too much on him/herself doesn't Care what people think, right? Hmm

I always fantasize about running away. I went to college right out of high school just to get Away. Then Australia. For multiple reasons. Now I'm at a new university. And even here a part of me wants to run. Maybe it's all the moving we did when I was a little kid. Maybe I don't believe in settling. Or maybe no matter where I go I'll end up getting hurt and that's just life. Eventually I will run out of places to turn.

My latest dream is to be a jazz singer in Paris like Blossom Dearie. Of course, she played the piano too. She's one upped me there. Or ten upped me. Or I could go to Paris and be an expatriate and befriend writers at Les Deux Magots. I could be Dorothy Parker.

My other fantasy of late is that in five to ten years, I will be this Strong, Statuesque, Beautiful Woman like Katharine Hepburn and I will call the romantic shots and men will fall over me and I will just shoo them aside until I find one I like. And I will be incapable of tears or pain. I know that's pretty inhuman. But I did say it was a fantasy. I just feel weak all the time, and I want to feel Tough. And Brave and Poised.

Actually I'm probably somewhat poised on the outside. Usually romantic prospects or what-have-you don't get the privilege of witnessing me bawl my eyes out unless we've known each other a very long time.

Oh ma vie. My acting teacher asked why I looked so glamorous the other day. I mumbled some sort of nothing answer. The truth was more along the lines of, "I'm trying to like myself." It's a hard thing to do.