Thursday, November 13, 2008

Confession for the void

...and whoever happens to be floating around in it.

I think if I went on facebook or whatever and wrote something scarily honest in the "about me" section it would be something like: "Melodramatic, self-loathing, failed romantic, escapist." I wonder if I am highly egotistical. I worry too much what people think of me. Surely someone who isn't focused too much on him/herself doesn't Care what people think, right? Hmm

I always fantasize about running away. I went to college right out of high school just to get Away. Then Australia. For multiple reasons. Now I'm at a new university. And even here a part of me wants to run. Maybe it's all the moving we did when I was a little kid. Maybe I don't believe in settling. Or maybe no matter where I go I'll end up getting hurt and that's just life. Eventually I will run out of places to turn.

My latest dream is to be a jazz singer in Paris like Blossom Dearie. Of course, she played the piano too. She's one upped me there. Or ten upped me. Or I could go to Paris and be an expatriate and befriend writers at Les Deux Magots. I could be Dorothy Parker.

My other fantasy of late is that in five to ten years, I will be this Strong, Statuesque, Beautiful Woman like Katharine Hepburn and I will call the romantic shots and men will fall over me and I will just shoo them aside until I find one I like. And I will be incapable of tears or pain. I know that's pretty inhuman. But I did say it was a fantasy. I just feel weak all the time, and I want to feel Tough. And Brave and Poised.

Actually I'm probably somewhat poised on the outside. Usually romantic prospects or what-have-you don't get the privilege of witnessing me bawl my eyes out unless we've known each other a very long time.

Oh ma vie. My acting teacher asked why I looked so glamorous the other day. I mumbled some sort of nothing answer. The truth was more along the lines of, "I'm trying to like myself." It's a hard thing to do.

1 comment:

Ann said...

Hi saw your blog, it's really cute.
Since you seem to be a fan on Katharine Hepburn, I wanted to let you know that this summer, The Katharine Hepburn Cultural Arts Center and Theater will be opening in Hepburn's beloved town of Old Saybrook, Connecticut.

Right now our web site is a blog about all things "Hepburn" and the construction and renovation of the 1910 building that will have Hepburn's name on it.

On behalf of the Board of trustees we'd love it if you would link to us to help us spread the is going to be beautiful!