Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Funny feelings, lots of dreams.

I am a mixed person. I love old fashioned things (almost All old fashioned things), and though I myself am "an old fashioned girl" in Some of the Louisa May Alcott ways, I am Certainly not old fashioned in All ways. Lately I've been feeling a bit mixed up in another way. Romance and love and everything in between is such a horrid mess, most of the time. I hardly know what I'm doing when I do it, and looking back on my actions or feelings proves that time doesn't shine a lot of light on things, either. Also, lately I've been feeling my self esteem dive. Maybe I always have low self esteem and I simply fail to notice it until I'm placed somewhere new where I have to make a name for myself and prove that I'm worth anything at all. Who knows. All I know, and all I've ever known, are my fantasies. In fantasy I am safe from the realization that I might not have whatever it takes to be whatever I want to be and do whatever I want to be. I hate feeling scared all the time and feeling like all I want to do is disappear. Why am I so weird? I think I'm just in an adjustment period, a self-doubt period. I think I try to look nice every day because it's like finding myself, and forcing a tiny bit out into the open. If I can live behind this weird, pretty picture, maybe the rest of me will feel comfortable and come out to play.

So often, I feel that my kindergarten self and I are nearly the exact same. I just pray I lose the shy girl thing soon. I am tired of being afraid and worrying that secretly, I don't matter and I'll never make the kind of difference I hope to make.

God this is getting depressing. All I really set out to do was post pictures of pretty things.

Okay enough of my moping. Here goes.

The following are images of old movie stars whose screen personas sometimes depict the kind of woman I hope or wish or dream to be. Well, maybe Gilda is a bit of a sad story. Rita in "You were never lovelier." Yes. Kate in...oh, Kate in anything. Her characters were always tough and amazing. Grace in...hmm she wasn't in a ton of films. I guess I just want to be elegant and beautiful all the time the way she was. Claudette in anything. She was marvelous. Same goes for Marlene, I think.

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